update

Now that I am in my mid 50's I need to figure out
who I am? Why I am so depressed? And what to do about it? Like the puppy above who never catches the ball with his nose,my life will never be fulfilled until I can be happy about myself. Who knows my doctor is doing some blood work and tests to see if the way I am feeling could be from menapause, or too much vitamin A, or my diabetic medication. Could be some other physical problems. If you new me even a year ago, I was not as depressed as I am now.

But in the meantime I am starting to tell people how I feel
I am trying to work on what I want and need to fulfill my life.It is scary talking about oneself and trying to figure yourself out. After all you would think that after 50 years you would know yourself better than I do. Watch for future updates.

First update. All of my blood work came out ok, except for one thing my estrogen level is very very low, showing the change of life,"menapause" or as some people say "Hot Flashes" . You can be sure I have had some of those already. The Doctor has put me on medication, to help me with my depression and to help me through these times. The more I talk about things the better I am starting to feel. I am going to a counselor and trying to get my life back on track, so what happened last month will never happen again.

My True Feelings About Me and the World

Back in my times when I was in my teens and my early 20's. A women's place was to be next to a man and married with family. I desperately wanted childern very, very badly, but didn't like the feeling of being married to a man. At this time of my life and the way things were in the world I had no "choice," in order to have childern I had to get married.

And then it became the point in my life where I realized staying married to a man I didn't like was not good for my childern. I had everything , almost everything, the one thing that was missing, was to be able to tell the world that I would prefer to have a woman relationship over a mans relationship

Through a lot of talking about my feelings and what seems right to me, I realize now in this "time of age" I do have a "choice" that it is ok to have these feelings, and realizing that these feeling do not need any explanation. Maybe someday soon I will not be a lost puppy anymore.